It's been quite some time since I have done one of these. I just started a new story today and I wanted to share some of it. It is still in rough draft form so grammar may be of and other things. I would love feedback since this is my first attempted at upper middle grade. Or is it middle grade. Not sure yet but working on it.
Julie looked around the lunchroom for her friends. It didn’t take long to spot the large group of people toward the back of the room. She piled on a salad, drizzled some olive oil on it, and grabbed a milk. Julie had caught the group mid conversation and she had to be caught up before putting in her two cents.
“I can’t believe you of all people haven’t heard!” Nina said. Julie couldn't help but to notice the new color added to Nina’s naturally blond hair. This weeks color was black. She made Julie think of a skunk but she wasn’t going to tell her that. Nina would never stop changing the highlights in her hair.
“What haven’t I heard? Tell me already!” Julie said, getting excited about god knew what.
“We are just got a new student and she is weird.” Nina went on. Julie but back the laugh at the way Nina had held out the word weird. “At least, I heard she was. I haven’t seen her. I also heard she is going to be in our class! I can’t wait to see what she looks like.” Nina said, spewing with excitement. Julie tried not to look bored but Nina saw her face.
“What? Don’t you want to check this girl out or at least find out the story on her?” Nina asked, confusion showing on her heart shaped face. Her eyes were lined with black eyeliner and it set off her already large eyes. Julie’s sometimes boyfriend, Kyle Wolf, known as Wolf, jumped in.
“I’ve seen her and she is pretty weird looking. I wouldn’t date her!” Wolf said, high-fiving a buddy next to him. Julie rolled her eyes and smacked her lips.
“Is girls all you think about? Isn’t that why we keep breaking up? Maybe if you get your eyes to yourself, we’d be hanging out still.” Julie said. That got a snicker out of the whole table. Wolf was not to be out done.
“We’ll be back together. We’ve only broke up, uh, let me see how many times…” Wolf looked up and pretended to be thinking. Nina rolled her eyes at the gesture.
“At least a thousand times and we always get back together. We’ve known each other for the whole thirteen years we’ve been alive.” Wolf finished. Julie said nothing to that but she turned back to Nina.
“Well, the faster we eat, the sooner we can get to homeroom and she this mysterious girl.” Julie grinned and dove into her salad.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
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5 comments:
interesting... I'm curious as to where this goes.
My only question is if they actually have homeroom after lunch. Salad doesn't sound like a breakfast thing... It's been a LONG time since middle school, but I can't remember homeroom being after lunch even in high school (where I worked a few years ago...) Maybe I'm just a bit daffy and outdated ;)
Other than that and the "she" instead of "see", it's great!
can't wait to see what comes next!
Great start! I think it might be even stronger if you kill the first paragraph and dive right in with the dialogue.
Thanks guys. Jy, you bring up a good point about the homeroom. Thanks for catching that.
I like the premise, but the dialouge seems a bit forced. Like you're trying too hard to make this mystery girl interesting. Maybe think about having the girl in the cafeteria but with her back to everyone so they can only see her hair or something. Have your MC Look over and have her own internal thoughts maybe. It's just a suggestion. The scene seems to be all about the mystery girl, so try to make her more prevelant& not so much about the on again/ off again realtionship of the couple with the group. Sorry if I rambled, but I you did ask for my opinion LOL. :)
Thanks for the comment, Nirak. It makes sense and I can work with that. Cool.
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