Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Here is my next Piece for Teaser Tuesday:Sorry about the formatting and I'm still working on this part.

It only took thirty minutes to sell out of the sweet purple apples Kenji had been selling. He went in search of the others and he found Panthra quickly but Kishi was nowhere in sight.
“Where the hell is she? Have you see her at all since we got here?” Kenji asked.
“No, but I hope we hurry and find her. Some of these people look creepy. I recognized most of them but there was some new ones mixed in.
A scream filled the air and they both knew who it was. Panthra took off in a sprint on all fours and Kenji wasn’t far behind. A large brute of a man had Kishi up against a wall with a knife to her throat. He was trying to grab a handful of everything and Kishi was struggling.
“Get your damn hands off of her before I break them both!” Kenji yelled as he walked closer to the man holding Kishi. He could see Panthra out of the corner of his eyes. She was coming at the man from behind and he hadn’t noticed. Kishi locked eyes with Kenji and he knew what she was saying. She was begging him not to kill the man. The man didn’t let her go but instead pulled out a small sword and pointed it at Kenji.
“I suggest you keep right on walking little boy. This girl here is nothing but a tease and I’m going to show her what happens to girls like her.” The man said. He smiled and licked his lips. Kenji could see the man’s rotten teeth and smell his dirty unkempt clothes.
Panthra was directly behind the man now and she was ready to pounce. She had crouched on all fours and her fur was standing on end.
“This is your last chance. She doesn’t want you dead.” Kenji said nodding in Kishi’s direction. “I will kill you anyway or I could let my other comrade do my dirty work.”
A sharp metallic sound came from behind the man and he spun around to see one angry cat. Panthra stood at over six feet tall and the man had to look up at her. Her razor sharp claws glistened in the sun.
“There’s no one around to here you scream when I slit your throat. Do you still want more time to think about that?” Panthra said.


bryngreenwood said...

I like the details, especially the man's rotten teeth. I do wonder, though, if Kenji heard Kishi scream, why wouldn't someone hear the man scream?

Sarah said...

Wow! Some heart-racing stuff. This is really coming along, Tasha! I really, really admire your work. xx

Ella said...

Nice action. Just watch for punctuation.

tasha said...

Thanks guys. I love to write but grammar kicks me in the butt!

Gretchen said...

I'd love to see you take everything out but the dialogue, then see exactly how much of the rest you really need. I think there's some repetition and if you can find a way to cut it, the scene will really sparkle.

Courtney Allison Moulton said...

Great start! You've got a great imagination and you put it to good use. I suck at grammar too, but I find it helps when I pay close attention when I read other books. I learn much better by looking at how others structure their sentences than when I just go through grammar exercises. Try it out!

Oh and formatting is really simple! Just copy your excerpt and paste it into a new Word doc. Click Ctrl-F and type ^p into the box that says Find. Then type ^p^p into the box that says Replace. This will add an extra space between each paragraph so that when you paste your excerpt into blog or forums, the paragraphs are already separated! Hope that makes sense haha :-D

JM Donahue said...

I like jumping right into the action here and you do a good job of providing details we need to really "see" what is going on. I think you could make this more powerful by focusing on some of the sentence construction -- get rid of the passive "to be" verbs. Very interesting story, thanks for sharing!

shanasilver said...

Very tense scene. I'm curious to see what happens. I liked a lot of the details here.

You have a lot of to-be verbs you could easily eradicate by restructuring. Also, my eyes kept confusing Kenji and Kishi because I read them as the same name.

sue laybourn said...

It works for me! Good tension and description.
I feel your pain about grammar. I spent most of my English classes staring out of the window and daydreaming.