tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post3392683518325561774..comments2023-06-25T01:21:21.211-07:00Comments on My Journey From Writer to Author: Teaser TuesdayLatasha McLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02162403130613769342noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post-64085233694501735002009-04-07T23:09:00.000-07:002009-04-07T23:09:00.000-07:00Hit this scene with a highlighter, marking up all ...Hit this scene with a highlighter, marking up all the repeated words. Right off the bat "blood" and "kidnapped" hit me in multiples. Streamline the repetition - perhaps by combining some of these ideas together - and it'll be even more powerful than it already is!Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09327185025020171674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post-4904097956085534362009-04-07T20:57:00.000-07:002009-04-07T20:57:00.000-07:00This is a powerful scene, and agree with the other...This is a powerful scene, and agree with the others as well. It can be more powerful by cutting some extra words and using powerful descriptive words like Carmen suggested. I'm curious to know what has happened. Good job!ChristaCarol Joneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02908423468344511136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post-48728251268225811472009-04-07T19:08:00.000-07:002009-04-07T19:08:00.000-07:00What the others said.It's a huge scene and it cert...What the others said.<BR/>It's a huge scene and it certainly catches the attention. And, as Carmen said, some more words that convey the horror of what the boy is seeing.sue laybournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post-4641835420317825432009-04-07T18:19:00.000-07:002009-04-07T18:19:00.000-07:00Woah, that's an intense scene. When it comes time ...Woah, that's an intense scene. When it comes time for revision, definitely give some attention to flow, repeated words, etc.<BR/><BR/>Also search for descriptive words that are as powerful as your scene. For example, in the first line, is "mess" really the best word for what Kenji's seeing? Maybe "carnage" or something even stronger?<BR/><BR/>Again, this is what revision is for, and you'll have a great scene to work with here. Good job!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00538062058261008040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post-39695227152526552942009-04-07T17:48:00.000-07:002009-04-07T17:48:00.000-07:00Agree with Sarah on the sentence structure, but yo...Agree with Sarah on the sentence structure, but you've got a lot of powerful stuff happening. I'm intrigued. Nice job!inkwenchnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1217501353678460693.post-7812674617148857852009-04-07T15:20:00.000-07:002009-04-07T15:20:00.000-07:00Wow, that 100 words packs a punch! Well done! If I...Wow, that 100 words packs a punch! Well done! If I were to suggest anything it would be a bit more variety to the sentence structure - try reading it out loud and seeing how it flows. It looks like you have a remarkable story here! xxSarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06589125418574916299noreply@blogger.com